Central Scene

In An Effort To Save Money, Schools Transition To Half-Ply Toilet Paper

In An Effort To Save Money, Schools Transition To Half-Ply Toilet Paper

Goen Gitter and Filet Minyon, Staff Writer

January 25, 2017

A disastrous scandal at a California High School where students were reportedly receiving three-ply Charmin Ultra-soft Deluxe Limited Edition toilet paper, the United States Federal Government reduced every school’s budget by 100 thousand dollars in an effort to, “Repair the damages done to our economy...

Vladimir Putin Accidentally Hacks DNC

Vladimir Putin Accidentally Hacks DNC

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

January 17, 2017

Early this morning, Russian President Vladimir Putin took credit for the hacking of the Democratic National Committee (DNC).  In a press conference, Putin admitted that he and his friend, General Chen Chin-Kuznetsov, hacked the American election during a routine playthrough of Hacker Experience 2. When...

President Elect Trump Unites Republicans and Democrats Under Main Issue Facing Modern America

President Elect Trump Unites Republicans and Democrats Under Main Issue Facing Modern America

Goen Gitter

December 9, 2016

Washington DC -- In an unprecedented turn of events, Democrats, Republicans, and all the other parties that aren’t worth mentioning in this article united behind President Elect Trump’s idea to ‘Make America Great Again’ by putting all gas tanks on the left side of cars. In an inspirational speech...

American Populace Chooses Cryogenic Stasis Over 2016 Presidential Election

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

November 8, 2016

As Election Day approaches, thousands of American citizens have decided that the 2016 Presidential Election was not worth dealing with. Withdrawing thousands of dollars from their 401k plans and their children’s college funds, citizens have joined an initiative to be placed in cryogenic stasis for...

What Really Happens After Midnight

What Really Happens After Midnight

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

November 7, 2016

Friday evening, the Forsyth County Police raided a high school party, giving concerned parents a crucial view into what really happens after midnight. The lead officer during the raid, Officer Gitter, was horrified by what he saw, “It was worse than we expected,” His hands were shaking as he collec...

Anonymous Hacker Stumbles Upon Crucial Emails When Breaking Into Hillary Clinton’s Servers

Anonymous Hacker Stumbles Upon Crucial Emails When Breaking Into Hillary Clinton’s Servers

November 4, 2016

Tuesday morning, at 8:59 AM, a hacker released emails crucial to the presidential election, revealing the inner workings of Hillary Clinton’s campaign. In a multi-faceted, 5 paragraph essay, Hillary Clinton reportedly asked the Russian president Vladimir Putin what products Donald Trump used to get his ha...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Squabble on Nursery Playground

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Squabble on Nursery Playground

Goen Gitter, Staff writer

October 31, 2016

The third Presidential Debate took an unexpected turn when Donald Trump (4 years old) and Hillary Clinton (4 years, 3 months, and 3 weeks old) squabbled on a Forsyth County Elementary School playground. Both candidates were initially polite, taking small sips from their Fruit Punch Caprisuns; smiling ...

The Reign of Diet Soda

The Reign of Diet Soda

Filet Minyon and Goen Gitter

October 26, 2016

Seventeen-year old Tracey Jamaliouz was walking down the polished, pot-hole filled hallways of Forsyth Central, in the direction of the bathroom, when she was greeted by a strange sight. A vending machine sat in the middle of the hallway, staring her down with it’s neon sign and unplugged chord. She c...

National Geographic Launches an Arctic Expedition Into The Learning Cottages, Hoping to Find Out Why It’s so Dang Cold

National Geographic Launches an Arctic Expedition Into The Learning Cottages, Hoping to Find Out Why It’s so Dang Cold

Josh Hall, Staff Writer

October 18, 2016

© EPA On Tuesday morning at 3:03 AM, Temperature-expert James Jamaliouz stood before the National Weather Court (NWC), begging the sleeping panel of judges for funding for his expedition into the learning cottages at Forsyth Central. When asked about his purpose for his expedition, Jamaliouz replied...

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