DONALD TRUMP BANS SUGAR COOKIES
Cody Brown, Staff Writer
November 27, 2018
Filed under Punion
After the controversy at the polls, the last thing you would be expecting to hear from the President would be about sugar cookies. Well in a confusing turn of events, twitter users woke up to a very unusual surprise this weekend. Donald J. Trump, president of the United States tweeted out last night, “En...
The Earth Was Flat
Cody Brown, Staff Writer
September 18, 2018
Filed under Punion
On August 22nd, students of Stanford University discovered something about our planet that couldn’t be explained until now. After three weeks of research, David Linebeck, a geophysicist at Stanford, claims he has proof that the earth is not flat, but that it used to be flat. Mr. Linebeck says he bega...
An Unlikely Disturbance
Anonymous, Staff Writer
September 18, 2017
Filed under Punion
A senior at Forsyth Central High School, who will remain unnamed out of sheer embarrassment of this incident, has failed their entire AP World History test because they were too distracted by the stray mark their teacher left on the board to focus. “It’s the most devastating thing that’s happened to me thi...
Jamaliouz v. The BOE
Goen Gitter, Staff Writer
May 18, 2017
Filed under Punion
Washington DC-- The Supreme Court, agreed to listen to the pleas of a Forsyth Central High School student that had claimed irreversible damage to his psyche after a nefarious senior prank. In a formal letter to the Supreme Court, Jamaliouz begged them to compensate him with some “sick dolla bills, ...
Senior Pranks
Goen Gitter, Staff Writer
May 18, 2017
Filed under Punion
Forsyth, GA -- At a solemn senior meeting at Forsyth Central High School, the school’s principal, Mr. Mitch Young, addressed the escalation of senior pranks to a violent, destructive level. “You kids have got to stop,” he said while waving his hands furiously, “putting fart cushions under the...
Modern Day Religion
Kealy Ford, Editor in Chief
May 16, 2017
America was first colonized by the Puritans, a strict, oppressive religion that valued modesty and homogeneous worship. Their faith was challenged by dissenters who were banished from the colony, and the religious tolerance that America is known for blossomed. Society, however, now finds itself on th...
Betsy DeVos: The Most Qualified Candidate in History
Goen Gitter, Staff Writer
February 27, 2017
Filed under Punion, Uncategorized
In a 30 page, double spaced essay that was presented before the United States Senate, Betsy DeVos outraged American English teachers. The Education sector was perplexed at her incessant use of the ‘Devil Face’ and ‘Winky Face’ emoticons as well as many misplaced exclamation marks and typos thr...
Emperor Trump
Jacob Chance, Staff Writer
February 3, 2017
Filed under Punion
Just this morning, January 30, 2016, Donald Trump officially crowned himself Supreme Emperor of the galaxy. No opposers can stop him, as his Order 66 attack called for the slaughter of all Jedi. There hasn’t been much feedback from Trump since he declared himself Emperor. He was last quoted as saying ...
In An Effort To Save Money, Schools Transition To Half-Ply Toilet Paper
Goen Gitter and Filet Minyon, Staff Writer
January 25, 2017
Filed under Punion
A disastrous scandal at a California High School where students were reportedly receiving three-ply Charmin Ultra-soft Deluxe Limited Edition toilet paper, the United States Federal Government reduced every school’s budget by 100 thousand dollars in an effort to, “Repair the damages done to our economy...
Vladimir Putin Accidentally Hacks DNC
Goen Gitter, Staff Writer
January 17, 2017
Filed under Punion
Early this morning, Russian President Vladimir Putin took credit for the hacking of the Democratic National Committee (DNC). In a press conference, Putin admitted that he and his friend, General Chen Chin-Kuznetsov, hacked the American election during a routine playthrough of Hacker Experience 2. When...
President Elect Trump Unites Republicans and Democrats Under Main Issue Facing Modern America
December 9, 2016
Filed under Punion
Washington DC -- In an unprecedented turn of events, Democrats, Republicans, and all the other parties that aren’t worth mentioning in this article united behind President Elect Trump’s idea to ‘Make America Great Again’ by putting all gas tanks on the left side of cars. In an inspirational speech...
American Populace Chooses Cryogenic Stasis Over 2016 Presidential Election
Goen Gitter, Staff Writer
November 8, 2016
Filed under Punion
As Election Day approaches, thousands of American citizens have decided that the 2016 Presidential Election was not worth dealing with. Withdrawing thousands of dollars from their 401k plans and their children’s college funds, citizens have joined an initiative to be placed in cryogenic stasis for...
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