An Unlikely Disturbance

Anonymous, Staff Writer

September 18, 2017

Filed under Punion

A senior at Forsyth Central High School, who will remain unnamed out of sheer embarrassment of this incident, has failed their entire AP World History test because they were too distracted by the stray mark their teacher left on the board to focus.   “It’s the most devastating thing that’s happened to me thi...

Jamaliouz v. The BOE

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

May 18, 2017

Filed under Punion

Washington DC--  The Supreme Court, agreed to listen to the pleas of a Forsyth Central High School student that had claimed irreversible damage to his psyche after a nefarious senior prank. In a formal letter to the Supreme Court, Jamaliouz begged them to compensate him with some “sick dolla bills, ...

Senior Pranks

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

May 18, 2017

Filed under Punion

Forsyth, GA -- At a solemn senior meeting at Forsyth Central High School, the school’s principal, Mr. Mitch Young, addressed the escalation of senior pranks to a violent, destructive level. “You kids have got to stop,” he said while waving his hands furiously, “putting fart cushions under the...

Modern Day Religion

Kealy Ford, Editor in Chief

May 16, 2017

Filed under Opinion, Punion

America was first colonized by the Puritans, a strict, oppressive religion that valued modesty and homogeneous worship. Their faith was challenged by dissenters who were banished from the colony, and the religious tolerance that America is known for blossomed.  Society, however, now finds itself on th...

Betsy DeVos: The Most Qualified Candidate in History

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

February 27, 2017

Filed under Punion, Uncategorized

In a 30 page, double spaced essay that was presented before the United States Senate, Betsy DeVos outraged American English teachers. The Education sector was perplexed at her incessant use of the ‘Devil Face’ and ‘Winky Face’ emoticons as well as many misplaced exclamation marks and typos thr...

Emperor Trump

Jacob Chance, Staff Writer

February 3, 2017

Filed under Punion

Just this morning, January 30, 2016, Donald Trump officially crowned himself Supreme Emperor of the galaxy. No opposers can stop him, as his Order 66 attack called for the slaughter of all Jedi. There hasn’t been much feedback from Trump since he declared himself Emperor. He was last quoted as saying �...

In An Effort To Save Money, Schools Transition To Half-Ply Toilet Paper

Goen Gitter and Filet Minyon, Staff Writer

January 25, 2017

Filed under Punion

A disastrous scandal at a California High School where students were reportedly receiving three-ply Charmin Ultra-soft Deluxe Limited Edition toilet paper, the United States Federal Government reduced every school’s budget by 100 thousand dollars in an effort to, “Repair the damages done to our economy...

Vladimir Putin Accidentally Hacks DNC

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

January 17, 2017

Filed under Punion

Early this morning, Russian President Vladimir Putin took credit for the hacking of the Democratic National Committee (DNC).  In a press conference, Putin admitted that he and his friend, General Chen Chin-Kuznetsov, hacked the American election during a routine playthrough of Hacker Experience 2. When...

President Elect Trump Unites Republicans and Democrats Under Main Issue Facing Modern America

Goen Gitter

December 9, 2016

Filed under Punion

Washington DC -- In an unprecedented turn of events, Democrats, Republicans, and all the other parties that aren’t worth mentioning in this article united behind President Elect Trump’s idea to ‘Make America Great Again’ by putting all gas tanks on the left side of cars. In an inspirational speech...

American Populace Chooses Cryogenic Stasis Over 2016 Presidential Election

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

November 8, 2016

Filed under Punion

As Election Day approaches, thousands of American citizens have decided that the 2016 Presidential Election was not worth dealing with. Withdrawing thousands of dollars from their 401k plans and their children’s college funds, citizens have joined an initiative to be placed in cryogenic stasis for...

What Really Happens After Midnight

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

November 7, 2016

Filed under Punion

Friday evening, the Forsyth County Police raided a high school party, giving concerned parents a crucial view into what really happens after midnight. The lead officer during the raid, Officer Gitter, was horrified by what he saw, “It was worse than we expected,” His hands were shaking as he collec...

Anonymous Hacker Stumbles Upon Crucial Emails When Breaking Into Hillary Clinton’s Servers

November 4, 2016

Filed under Punion

Tuesday morning, at 8:59 AM, a hacker released emails crucial to the presidential election, revealing the inner workings of Hillary Clinton’s campaign. In a multi-faceted, 5 paragraph essay, Hillary Clinton reportedly asked the Russian president Vladimir Putin what products Donald Trump used to get his ha...