American Populace Chooses Cryogenic Stasis Over 2016 Presidential Election

Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

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As Election Day approaches, thousands of American citizens have decided that the 2016 Presidential Election was not worth dealing with. Withdrawing thousands of dollars from their 401k plans and their children’s college funds, citizens have joined an initiative to be placed in cryogenic stasis for the next 4 years. Recent polls suggested that almost half of the American population (49.49999%) was planning to be placed into stasis for the next 4 years, leaving the zealous Pro-Trump and Pro-Hillary supporters behind to launch the United States into a state of anarchy. When asked about what they would do if they woke up in four years to find a more dystopian United States, many shrugged nonchalantly, stating that they would simply go back into cryogenic stasis for another four years and allow everything to sort itself out.

Senator Jamaliouz released a statement Sunday morning, addressing the portion of the population that was more than willing to spend all of their money to avoid the upcoming election results. “It’s a great idea, really. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to avoid these next four years. If I weren’t sworn into office, I’d consider doing it too.”

When asked about the chance of the cryogenic pods failing, and awakening the populace sooner than intended, Senator Jamaliouz laughed. “This is not one of those boring sci-fi movies that you watch on the first date with that girl that you sort of like, but you aren’t really sure about because there’s that other chick named Jessica — And she’s a babe too. This is a privately run company that didn’t even test its product on animals before releasing it; of course it’s safe.”

“Worst case scenario, the United States gets a really large power bill and more angry, depressed citizens than it knows what to do with.”