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Anonymous Hacker Stumbles Upon Crucial Emails When Breaking Into Hillary Clinton’s Servers


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Tuesday morning, at 8:59 AM, a hacker released emails crucial to the presidential election, revealing the inner workings of Hillary Clinton’s campaign. In a multi-faceted, 5 paragraph essay, Hillary Clinton reportedly asked the Russian president Vladimir Putin what products Donald Trump used to get his hair to look so “fly.” She closed the essay to President Putin begging to tell her the secret behind his hair, hoping that her own might look like those “luscious locks that flow like an outrageously gorgeous waterfall cascading down a limestone crevice.” Donald Trump was unwilling to release any information on his hair-care regime, only stating that it cost him “More than a tortoise in a pumpkin patch.”

Hillary Clinton denied all allegations when asked about the emails on her server, claiming that it was an attempt by the Russian Government to poison her reputation and taint her “hair that would make anyone jealous, including a Golden Retriever named Buddy.” Vladimir Putin replied to the allegations from Clinton’s campaign immediately in a national press conference, “YA pochti polnost’yu lysym, pochemu by mne vse ravno, chto ispol’zuyet produkty volos Donal’da Trampa?”(“I’m almost entirely bald, why would I care what hair products Donald Trump uses?”)

Two weeks ago, plans were leaked stating that the Russian government intends to use 31 million US dollars (19,536,653,598.19 Russian Rubles) on an artificial hair growth laboratory and beauty center for rich Americans.

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Anonymous Hacker Stumbles Upon Crucial Emails When Breaking Into Hillary Clinton’s Servers