What is Obama’s Last Name?


Olivia Thees, Staff Writer

Countries all over the world are buzzing over the most simple, yet puzzling question humanity has never asked until now. What is Obama’s last name? Government Researchers will say, “We don’t need to research something like that, leave before we call security.” But anyone with an IQ higher than 25 will know the world is being given the short end of the stick. 

Professional conspiracy theorist, Shane Dawson, (we know he is a professional, he owns a youtube channel with lots of subs) recently released an hour-long video speaking on the matter. Among general audiences, it was not well-received, with comments like, “Where is my James Charles collab?” or “Why would you make this?” but among the conspiring community, the new heaps of evidence on the table that Dawson provided were greatly appreciated.

 Analyzing it, it is shown that Shane was turned away from the Obama Residence, but zooming in on a small paper that Obama was taking from the mail, we can see the name “Care.” This would make complete sense with Obama’s reign consisting of the Health Care program of “Obama Care.” Who knows, maybe the government is trying to cover this up because the simple term of Health Care is named after Obama, which could simply spell disaster. 

Dawson also covered idols in Obama’s childhood, wondering if they’d have any say on the matter or even the answer to the question itself. First off, Ariana Grande, yes, you read this right. Ariana Grande, who walked outside of a store with a box of cookies and saw a young boy selling newspapers and gave him them, that young boy was Obama. Dawson and Ariana Grande are already close friends. Note, it has not been stated that they are, but all famous people know each other so it’s only valid to assume so. Dawson tried to call Grande in his video, immediately being sent to voicemail. Could the government be cutting his calls too? 

Dawson’s help was greatly appreciated, however insufficient. We took the case into our own hands. 

After watching a DIY on how to interfere with Russian satellite signals, we were able to contact Putin, the leader of Russia. In recent times Putin had a birthday party in which Obama was invited, therefore he had to know Obama’s last name and would not be held back by the unjust American law. 

So there we were, in contact with the Russian government, “May we speak with Putin?” we said, politely. “¿Что?” was the response we were met with. “можем ли мы поговорить с вашим товарищем?” we asked, but in secret code. Then all we heard was silence and static of the person moving the phone. Then we heard his voice, “Yeah?” the leader of Russia said. “What is Obama’s last name? We know you know.” Then a moment of silence, with a faint chuckle in the background. “Ah, it is Джо.” Putin finally responded. “Джо?” we asked. “Yeah, Джо mama!” We smashed our tin foil device in pure rage.

We’d been had, so had. It was almost too difficult to move on after such a tragic bamboozling had occurred. Not even the leader of Russia was on our side. Well, Putin and Obama go way back with their young college party days of playing tetris, so it’s understandable. Still, upsetting nonetheless. 

We couldn’t give up, though. There were still options left, people who would never lie to us after the days of telling us Santa wasn’t real, the puppeteers behind our whole lives. The parents. They had to know the truth. Sure, they weren’t the professionals who owned youtube channels or countries, but that didn’t matter. This was the final shot at any clear cut answer. 

We scheduled an interview with one of the team member’s parents, the mother. She is a great woman and she once brought a Minecraft herobrine cake to one of our birthday parties. Y’know, just an honest, genuine woman. Or so we thought. 

“Hello, thank you for meeting with us,” we paused, taking a deep breath before diving right into the question, “Do you know what Obama’s last name is?” The mother seemed puzzled, aha, we knew we weren’t the only ones asking this question. “Wh- Obama? Like, Barack Obama?” The guardian responded. “His last name- it is Obama?” This statement infuriated one of our anonymous members, who had worked a countless 2 nights researching the topic, “We aren’t playing games, woman! You can deceive us with the cake, but you can’t deceive us here.” He slammed his hands on the table. 

“[Angry member’s name], please don’t slam your hands on my table.” To which he responded, “Okay boomer.” We weren’t getting anywhere. We had almost lost all hopes of ever finding our answer. We, the Oboomers, finding retirement closer than ever, suddenly had a spark of genius. The kind of genius that not even Steven Hawking would think of, well, we don’t actually know that, but we are pretty sure he wouldn’t think of this. 

What is the one thing that knows all? The one absolute power that can give us a clear answer to this simple question without any bias or hesitation. We didn’t say its name, and we know none of our readers thought of this. Magic 8 Ball.

This ball is no ordinary ball, however. This ball is a perfectly crafted ball of pure Italian witch black magic, and who would’ve thought that all you had to do was shake it for a simple answer. Some have tried to find the origin of the 8 balls, but came out unsuccessful, with silly theories like it’s manufactured in factories or that it’s just a random chance ball. 

Absolutely stupid, but we know better. We used the 8 Ball once before, but after things that mankind wasn’t ready for were confirmed and released into the world, we buried it, swearing to never use it again. Well, Obama’s last name is worth the potential chance of mankind crashing.

We retook possession of the 8 Ball and prepared it on the table, surrounded by holy water, for questioning. This was our last chance. “What is Obama’s last name?” Then we shook the device, Very doubtful. We were confused, that wasn’t an answer, so we shook again, yes

No way. Was there really absolutely no way for us to find out this man’s cryptic second name? That’s when a friend shook the 8 Ball, my reply is no. The 8 Ball answered us with something that made sense. That’s when we knew, not all hope was lost. “Is Obama’s last name Care?” then as we shook the all-knowing round object, time felt as if it stopped. Outlook good. Bingo. 

And that was the end. We finally found our answer, and we were proud to announce it on the forums of the Obama Wikipedia. It was changed half an hour later, but nonbelievers will be nonbelievers. We know the truth. Oboomers out.