Birthday Bash Turned World War- Not Click Bait!!!

Cathal McNaughton

Jack Ramu, Punion Editor

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A few weeks ago was Vlad Putin’s 67th birthday. To commemorate the event, Russia’s government officials held a party at SkyZone Siberia. According to eyewitness account, the games included pin the hammer on the sickle, pop the lid off the tank, and a piñata shaped like Ukraine. Putin said he “had a delightful time” and is “glad to have such lovely comrades.” Not everyone was this delighted, though, on the Russian president’s special day. 

You probably haven’t heard, but American president Donald Trump was distraught over his lack of invitation. He and Putin have been attending each other’s parties since 2012, and this is the first year Trump did not attend. 

“I didn’t mean to not invite him. I was so caught up in my work that I forgot to tell my party coordinator, Sasha, to send him an email. She no longer works for me. Actually, she no longer lives in Russia. Or lives,” Putin chuckled to us over the phone.  

“I don’t believe this,” said Trump on Twitter. “Putin ghosting me is SO unpatriotic. It’s like he doesn’t even love my country! If he has a problem, he can take it up with me over the phone.” 

When Putin picked up the phone to have a heart to heart with Trump, it seemed as though things would be okay. Putin explained the mistake and apologized for accidentally forgetting to send him an invite. Trump was able to forgive him, but only after being promised a slice of cake next time he visited.  The men had casual conversations for a few minutes and talked about My Hero Academia, the new Joker movie, and the political state of west Australia. 

Then the conversation took a dark turn. 

Putin went on to retell a joke he heard at his party, “and then, Barack asked me if I knew Joe. And I was like, ‘who is Joe?’ And he was like, “JOE MAMA!” Trump, completely ignoring the comedic genius of this joke, demanded to know the rest of the guests. Putin disclosed to him that the Biden family also participated in the festivities. “And then Kim showed up, which is when the party got really lit, and then-” Trump hung up the phone in a fit of rage. According to White House Officials, he “ran crying to his ping pong room because he feels safe there.” Moments later, he tweeted:

“This is outrageous!!!!! Vlad can invite Obama and the Bidens to his party, but not me? This is seriously disrespectful. Someone tell Putin that he will NOT be expecting an invitation to my next party. I didn’t want to jump on trampolines anyways!” Following the ordeal, Trump filed an official request to nuke Russia. This was quickly vetoed.

“Facts don’t care about your feelings, and the facts are, Trump was not invited. This isn’t a matter of personal insult. This is a declaration of war,” said prominent conservative representative Ben Shapiro. Shockingly, the democrats agree. Oprah herself stated, “It’s true, Putin is coming after America. It says a lot about Russian society, and yet they live in one.” Later, it was revealed that Ben Shapiro was Oprah’s plus one to the party. These romantic implications are being kept secret from Trump given that Shapiro rejected Trump’s invitation to the republican semi-formal dance under the pretense that he was too busy making a Tik-Tok.  

It seems as though the only people who don’t care about the situation are the citizens of either country. “I’m too concerned with my children and their dirty faces,” says one general reader from America. “I’m too busy trying to read this sloppy purple ink in this diary,” says another from Russia. “I’m still trying to figure out what a constant is,” says an American student doing math homework. Citizens are just too busy with their normal lives to concern themselves with Putin/Trump drama. 

It is hard to tell if this will turn into a real conflict. On one hand, America does not want to expend any more resources than it has to. On the other hand, Trump has not stopped tweeting about it for weeks. “I just want him to shut up,” says Vice President Mike Pence. “It’s all he talks about at our Friday night sleepovers.” Putin himself has stopped answering Trump’s angry text messages. It seems like the majority of America just wants it to be over.