Iceland Wants a Tradeback


Cody Brown, Staff Writer

With the cold war going on between America and North Korea it’s easy to forget about smaller countries and their problems such as Mexico vs Texas or Poland vs itself, but the biggest of them all right now is the battle for the name of Greenland.

As many of us know, Greenland and Iceland are tragically misnamed. Everyone knows Iceland is covered in green pastures and Greenland is a frozen wasteland. Several memes have backed these facts up as true for decades until now. Iceland came out this Tuesday and announced to the world, “Greenland! We want a trade back!”

To the world’s surprise, the tension between Iceland and Greenland finally snapped with the demands of Iceland. “We will suffer this tyranny no longer! First they take our name; next they’ll take our children and our land,” Iceland told Fox News in an interview yesterday. Greenland responded to Iceland saying, “We stole nothing of yours, it was a fair trade and you’re just upset.”

On Tuesday, the tension came to a climax when a declaration of war was announced. The lands of color had finally reached the apex of frustration over the battle of the names

When a citizen of Greenland was asked his opinion on the imminent promise of aggression, he responded by simply shaking his finger. When implored to develop his response, he said “I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’d rather hold hands.”  This desire for hand holding and resistance to fighting was similar among the citizens of their “Icy” nemesis. The solution: Animal Wars- Polar Bears versus Gyrfalcons.

Greenland has declared that they would like to have “Skate holder” (European for ‘Gladiatorial battle’) with Iceland in the submerged colosseum of Finland. Sauli Niinstö, leader of Finland agreed to the idea of Skate Holder with no clear opposition saying,”It’s about time I saw two kids fight for my entertainment.” We can only assume he was referring to the countries at war. Donald Trump tweeted on the matter saying that he would hold his opinion until after a victor is chosen, as he will be one of the many to judge the bloodbath.

To calm PETA activists, Greenland proposed arming the Polar Bears with highly advanced laser claws; Iceland countered by boasting that the Gyrfalcon “will be equipped with the most advanced bomb-dropping technology known to man.”

We will keep you informed as the story continues.