The Earth Was Flat

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The Earth Was Flat

Cody Brown, Staff Writer

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On August 22nd, students of Stanford University discovered something about our planet that couldn’t be explained until now. After three weeks of research, David Linebeck, a geophysicist at Stanford, claims he has proof that the earth is not flat, but that it used to be flat.

David Linebeck, renowned flat Earth expert, scholar and gentleman

Mr. Linebeck says he began his research in the beliefs of ancient Egyptians and Babylonians from 3,100 B.C.E. to 332 B.C.E. He told reporters, as he tapped his brow, “I found it strange that such an advanced civilization would believe in something so strange; why would they believe the earth was flat?” After studying the geology of the earth around Egypt, Mr. Linebeck was astounded by the makeup of the earth’s layers.

A club for the flat

According to Mr. Linebeck, the Crust of the earth is extremely deep in the African region, but quickly thins out as it spreads across the earth. “It’s absolutely unnatural the way earth thins out like this. It reminds me of a pizza,” Mr. Linebeck claims. In a hypothesis constructed by David Linebeck, he poses the idea that the earth used to be flat, but that due to the energy from the void in the sun, it has folded into a ball. He first named the theory, “Pizza Planet- Is it Such a Stretch?” However, his use of alliteration and unfortunate mozzarella pun raised some eyebrows.  He also claimed the earth may be dinosaur-shaped as soon as 2050. Scientists are still studying the idea of the sun being a black hole so this logic, he claims, is actually quite understandable. “I used to love dinosaur-shaped nuggets, so why not?”

When David Linebeck’s discoveries made their way to Twitter, the Flat Earth community, a group of individuals believing the earth was flat, rejoiced vigorously sharing his post over a whopping 4 million times. “Flat support is so rare. Three-dimensional is for chumps,” declared a representative.  The Flat Earth Community has now re-launched their old Facebook page as well as their website https://www.tfes.org/ . Barack Obama, former president has taken a roll as the figurehead for their society. In an emotionally charged statement, Obama posted on Twitter, “I’m not trying to convert people to Flat Earth. I want people to think, that is all. A by-product of thinking will be your realization that the Earth is flat. Open your minds to the flat facts. Research #FlatEarth.” 

So now the question was raised, “Was the Earth really flat?” Only time will truly tell. So let us know, are you a flat earth supporter? Do you believe the earth was flat? Let us know below in the comments below.