Betsy DeVos: The Most Qualified Candidate in History


Goen Gitter, Staff Writer

In a 30 page, double spaced essay that was presented before the United States Senate, Betsy DeVos outraged American English teachers. The Education sector was perplexed at her incessant use of the ‘Devil Face’ and ‘Winky Face’ emoticons as well as many misplaced exclamation marks and typos throughout her proposal.

In a poll released by Some Boring News Source, 75% of Americans felt that her use of Comic Sans was “empowering” and, “Tearing down the standards set by a rigid society.”

Her essay outlined how she would, “Make the lives and heartz of Americains’s students better 🙂 <3”  while cutting spending from the education budget in half so she could renovate her Peruvian beach hut with a “brand new Capital Precision stove!!!” and an “Illegally imported Colombian parrot named Pedro.”

After heavy bouts of negative coverage that criticized her character and actions in the education sector throughout her career, DeVos worked tirelessly to assure the American populace that she had the right priorities at the forefront of her mind, “I only want the best for America’s wealthy schoolchildren who can afford to go to Private schools–  And for the children who cant afford to go to those schools, who’ll have to be placed in low-budged charter schools!!!”

In a White House conference that aired an hour ago, President Donald Trump praised DeVos’s character and education proposal, saying, “I don’t trust any politician who only wants the best for the country and nothing for themselves, especially when a Colombian parrot named Pedro is involved.”