Emperor Trump


Jacob Chance, Staff Writer

Just this morning, January 30, 2016, Donald Trump officially crowned himself Supreme Emperor of the galaxy. No opposers can stop him, as his Order 66 attack called for the slaughter of all Jedi. There hasn’t been much feedback from Trump since he declared himself Emperor. He was last quoted as saying “UNLIMITED POWER” as he shot Obama out of a cannon into the moon.

Emperor Trump has seized construction of the wall he promised across the southern U.S. border, and instead began construction of the “Trump Star” that he will use to “crush the rebellion.” It’s a huge, spherical space station with enough firepower to “destroy ISIS.” “Putin is helping me build it,” Trump said.

Trump has officially declared war on Mexico, Japan, France, China, California, and “any country that ends in ‘istan.’” Rumors spread that Italy will soon join the war, and are already arming their spaghetti missiles. The UK hasn’t commented on the situation, but Trump threatened Britain by dumping over 5,000 gallons of tea into the ocean. North Korea hasn’t even heard of any of this, as they have no internet connection.

Most agree that the worst part in all this madness is the recent ban on all anime, which is why the rebellion is heavily funded by Japan. Trump responded to Japan’s support of the rebellion by saying “Japan is funding Alderaan places.” France already surrendered after Trump released a threatening photo of himself eating a baguette.

While all of this is going on, Trump still taunts the public online with tweets such as “truth bombs ain’t the only thing I’m droppin” and “I think I’m gonna rename America to Trumptopia, what do you guys think?” The only country that hasn’t been attacked, or taunted, is Germany, as Trump has “mad respect for what they did in the 40s.” It appears that Trump shall rule earth for a while, so we might as well sit back and enjoy the show!