• September 18Forsyth Central vs. Duluth: 41-42

In An Effort To Save Money, Schools Transition To Half-Ply Toilet Paper

Goen Gitter and Filet Minyon, Staff Writer

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A disastrous scandal at a California High School where students were reportedly receiving three-ply Charmin Ultra-soft Deluxe Limited Edition toilet paper, the United States Federal Government reduced every school’s budget by 100 thousand dollars in an effort to, “Repair the damages done to our economy by this frivolous spending, while allowing us to reallocate the funds to more important things — such as gold-plated protractors for the White House and a study to finally discover if trees really do make a sound when they fall if there’s nobody around to hear it.”

Schools were forced to switch to Envision “Ultra-Okay” half-ply toilet paper. Students were reportedly saying, “It’s basically invisible,” and “I didn’t even know there was toilet paper in there.” Bad joke Jeremy was also quoted, saying, “Toilet paper? More like toilet LATER!”

Earlier today, the issues over toilet paper reached a climax as students gathered around the school parking lot with signs asking for “better toilet paper,” and “Give me Charmin Ultra-Soft Deluxe Limited Edition toilet paper or give me Death!”

After being met by canine units, the students began to throw toilet paper over the school’s roof. The trees began to close in as they saw how the students were treating their friends and family. The trees attacked!

Bad joke Jeremy lead the pack of wild pines, yelling, “World War Z? More like World War TREE!”

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