President Elect Trump Unites Republicans and Democrats Under Main Issue Facing Modern America

Goen Gitter

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Washington DC — In an unprecedented turn of events, Democrats, Republicans, and all the other parties that aren’t worth mentioning in this article united behind President Elect Trump’s idea to ‘Make America Great Again’ by putting all gas tanks on the left side of cars. In an inspirational speech delivered before Abraham Lincoln’s statue, Trump managed to stop the constant rioting and depression that ran rampant through certain states as they counted down the days until the upcoming apocalypse.

Awkwardly placing his hand on Lincoln’s foot, Trump began his speech with a small smile, “I may have created a multi-billion dollar company and won the presidency, but I’m not smart enough to remember if my car’s gas tank is on the left or right side.” Trump had to stop talking as hundreds of people began to clap for no apparent reason, “I have so many cars — Rolls Royces and Bentleys, even a Nissan Leaf that I occasionally drive to work to save some trees; nothing is worse than pulling up to that 7-11 gas station and realizing that my gas tank is on the side of the car opposite from the pump.” Trump stopped to wipe a tear from his wrinkled skin as he looked off into the distance, remembering his hardships at gas stations around the country.

“Our Founding Fathers established a country where we would never have to compromise our natural rights, they founded a country where every gas tank was meant to be on the same side of cars so no American citizen has to spend thirty seconds in absolute dread as they pull into a gas station, wondering if they got it right this time.”

An unbiased CNN poll reported that 94% of Americans agreed with President Elect Trump, 2% rode bicycles, horses, or magic brooms to work, and the other 4% was against his idea to make the poll seem realistic.